Real Talk

Something I truly value is honesty. I don’t always like it, but I have a deep respect for those who don’t hide behind “I’m fine” mentality. So I am going to be honest in this blog.

What you see here is my well thought out, hopefully articulate, description of my time with NYCUP. What you don’t see is the endless backspaces, the horrific misspellings, the time I sat looking at a screen feeling like I had nothing to say.

With all that said, I don’t like blogging.

I don’t enjoy it mostly because I don’t feel like I have anything to say or the things I want to say aren't yet complete thoughts that I can effectively communicate. But, I have heard that feeling like you have nothing to write is a good place to start.

So here we go.

I am here in NYC working with New York City Urban Project (NYCUP) and their LoGOFF Campaign. In case you are wondering, LoGOFF stands for local, green, organic, fair trade and free of slave labor. The goal is to change people from consumers to stewards, to love the people who produce our stuff, and to respect the earth we all live on.

Working on LoGOFF is a huge answer to prayer and is everything I would hoped it would be. I get to grocery shopping, go talk with farmers at the Farmers Market, research what LoGOFF means, and cook meals for 20 people! Folks, I’m living the C-Eva-D dream!

While I am loving the work I am doing here and the people I am privileged to work alongside of, there is a spiritual element that is leaving me confused. It is hard to explain, but it has been difficult to process my own thoughts. I wonder if, when I speak to people, that my thoughts are actually being conveyed in the words I use. I guess it’s a fear of being inarticulate or being misunderstood. Or the fact that I am surrounded by people who don’t know me as well as people back at home and I feel as though I need to self-assert myself in conversation. “I don’t know” is becoming and phrase that is becoming all too common in my speech.

I’m not just looking inward for my answers, I am looking upward. I have been silent and still, waiting for God. I have also been reading and applying His word in my life. Yet, I still find myself saying “I don’t know”. The difference now, is that I follow it with “But God does know”. Even amidst my confusion, I still hold onto the fact that God is sovereign and omniscient. Knowing and reminding myself of God’s character sustains me. I will still wait on Him to further reveal his plan for me.  

Graduation

Today is the eve of my graduation from JMU(wow, that sounds so dramatic). I wish I could write something nostalgic  and thoughtful or even cliche. But I cant, so I won't. I think I am so exhausted, in more ways than one, that I don't know how to register this huge change that is before me.

And that's ok.

I feel like there is this strange pressure as a senior at JMU to mourn the end of the "BEST 4 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE", to experience the "lasts" of what JMU has to offer, and to act like you don't ever want to leave. 

I'm sorry, WHAT?? Yeah, JMU has been the best 4 years of my life, I'm also only 23 and I think I have a lot more of life to live. I'm open to joy in other places. I will cherish my time here dearly and miss the family I have found here even more.

I'm caught in a tension of knowing and accepting that the timing for me to move on is right, but also not being able to attach a feeling to that acceptance. I don't feel relief or panic, neither sadness nor joy. I find myself listening to sad music to try to evoke some sort of reaction or feeling. A little crazy? Yeah, but this is a really strange place to be. 

And that's ok. 

I'm not going to try to force myself to feel anything other than what I feel now. Even before I began my senior year, I knew how precious this time was and made cognizant actions in how I spent my time and who I spent it with. I made an effort to savor each moment, from the adventure to the mundane, I cherished it all.

Maybe that's why I don't feel sad or afraid. I just have my hands open, not knowing what will come next.
And that's ok.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hIYcOUbtlU

Step 1.

It all starts here.

Currently, I am senior suffering from the greatest of CTD’s (College transmitted diseases)Senioritis; the inflammation of being a senior.

But really, it is so much more and it is real.  As foolish as it is, I find myself with a dangerous lack of motivation which makes me want to fast forward to graduation: a time when deadlines, grades and stress seem to disappear. This is contrasted with intense feeling of nostalgia that grabs at every instant that has the potential of being a “last”. I don’t consider myself an especially nostalgic person, but I can’t help but find myself savoring everything more than usual. Especially the mundane and ordinary things. I think that is because that is what stick with me the most; walking to the quad for class, running into familiar faces in TDU, even trying to be the first one in the bathroom in the morning! Isn't it strange? Or is it not?

Either case, it seems somewhat silly, but it is where I am for now.

I think it stems from the fact that I have so much to look forward to after graduation. Graduation, while it seems like an event to signify the culmination of academic efforts, it is just the first stepping stone for me. I have the privilege of interning with New York City Urban Project (NYCUP) this summer to work on their LOGOFF campaign (LOcal, Green, Organic, Fair trade, and Free of slave labor). After that, I am planning on moving out to Denver Colorado with two friends. Big things, even bigger moves!

So basically, graduation signifies when I take my first step in to an incredibly unpredictable and highly transitional season of my life. I don’t want to wish away the semester. I want to be as present as I can be and take advantage of all that is left because there is so much here to love and appreciate. And as much as I hate to admit, even classes are still worth enjoying.

So follow me through my triumphs and my surrenders. This will be an adventure for sure.

Guess who is back, with a brand new track?

Before I dive in,  I thought that my title of this post came from some 90s or early 00's (yes, that is an actual time period) rap/hip-hop song. I like to think that putting a "retro" hip-hop song would get me cool points, but I couldn't figure out what song it came from. I was thinking like Will Smith or P.Diddyor something...so i turned to Google to help me figure it out. Turns out its from a CASCADA song!Alas, no self-endowed cool point for Caitlin today. And another instant deduction for addressing myself in the third person. Its been a long week. and its only wednesday. yikes.

Well, before I start rambling... last time I posted was May 14th! What? So much for being a consistent blogger this summer. To be fair, the camp I worked at this past summer had a no laptop policy for summer staffers which I respected and left the good ole Acer back at home in Virginia.

Needless to say, I have a lot to write about and am happy to announce I will be blogging more consistantly during this school year. That should be exciting news to the 4 or 5 people who read this! (a rather generous count at that)

Anyways, I will write about the thrilling events of my life, my envy-inducing endeavors, and my abundant adventures.
But, I will most be writing about the mundane and the ordinary on-goings of my day to day life. If Mrs. Dalloway and Virginia Woolf taught me anything, it's that there are countless extraordinary instances that occur in each day. We need only open our eyes and hearts to those miracles, joyful and painful ones, that are happening all around us.

Family

After spending sometime alone last week, I was abruptly thrown back into a world filled with people - that's right; home.  Now I must admit, I don't usually like going home. I love my family dearly, but I think we are all very similar yet entirely different simultaneously. I guess most families are like that though, right?


Now, I don't have a huge family. I have two older brothers, and three cousins. All older. I mean I have a big extended family, but I don't know most of them. We all live in Virginia or Maryland. No one through the generations ventures far from the nest. My maternal grandparents were from Hagerstown/ Thurmont, Maryland and My paternal grandparents from Strasburg, Virginia. My parents both grew up in Arlington (they were high school sweethearts - actually, quite a good story, ask me about it sometime). Now we live in McLean. See, literally the apples do not fall from the tree. (This is funny too because my family used to own apple orchards in Maryland- ha!)


Anyways, I am the youngest; the baby of the family. I'm also a girl, which without doing my gender or family too much injustice, is a pretty sweet deal. I remember growing up, I almost always got what I wanted and was given attention and showered with praise.
Now I do have two older brothers. That was to my advantage and disadvantage. Without them I doubt I would have learned what protection, caring kindness, and genuine compassion looks like. But with them, I had to deal with pranks, provoked meltdowns, and farts/burps/generally ickyness. I know it was all in jest and has made me a stronger woman as a result. No one knows my peeves and irks better than Ryan and Matthew.


People always ask if I am close with my brothers and I never know how to answer exactly. While I love them deeply and they love me, we are definitely not the type of siblings who readily share the details of our days with each other. A phone call from them would seem strange, like it would only be prompted by family emergency or something. I think this has to do with our age differences. Ryan and Matthew are in a different life time than me. Ryan works for a technology company and did not go to college and while Matthew did go to college, He has autism. I don't consider any of those things hindrances and not even barriers to our communication, but it just shapes things a little differently. It gives our relationship a different color, unlike any other relationship I have with friends and even other members of my family.


It is not always easy, infact in recent years it has been incredibly trying.You'd think that since my family has always stayed in close proximity to each other for many, many years, we are this super close and tight-knit family. That my family is oozing with kindness and respect; that we are so sweet is it gives you a tooth ache. OK, maybe your impression wasn't that sweet, but while my family is deeply loving, we have not been conflict free or without hurt. If anything, my time with them can be tense and feel insincere. This, at times, tramples my hope for any future with reconciliation. 


But when I think about it, I always end up coming back to my faith; my belief in the Lord's sovereignty. He makes no mistakes and He has placed me right where I am with my family. The timing is perfect and the conditions are always right, regardless of what my feelings tell me. I have faith in His healing of brokenness. All I need to do is keep praying, waiting, and watching for His redemptive work.

My soul finds rest in being alone?

Not quite-"My soul finds rest in God alone" according to Psalm 62 and I must agree with the Palmist. 


Yesterday I spent the day, the whole day, alone. It was interesting; it almost seemed like an experiment. Let's test and see how Caitlin handles herself when she is not surround by others. Weird, right?
I guess I should explain why I was alone. The semester is over and the housemates are gone. One studying abroad in Spain, one interning up in Northern Virginia, two are at chapter camp for IV, and the other is at the beach. I should admit I wasn't completely alone- there was one more housemate still in the house but she tends to keep to herself anyways so I might as well have had the whole house to myself. 
I am also currently without a car which prevents me from going home whenever I feel like it.


So I had a whole day and whole house to myself-have I made that clear? I just want to get that across because, well, what would you do?


Well, I spent the day cleaning. I vacuumed, mopped, scrubbed, dusted - the works! But I actually enjoy cleaning, so it was fun! ha strange, I know. Cleaning does not take all day though, so I was left with 8 hours. What's a girl to do?I have done all I can. I felt restless. I needed to do something. So I made dinner and watched 3 movies- Little Rascals, Roman Holiday, and An American in Paris. Yeah, that's a lot of movies for one sitting. I still couldn't shake the restlessness. So I sat and just thought. I had spent plenty of time thinking about myself- my wants, needs, and desires. But I had not really thought about myself- who am I? who do people think I am?
I know I am an ESFJ according to Myers-Briggs personality test, and I know my love language is quality time. 


But who does the Creator of the universe say I am? Who am I to Him?
I know, I know- I'm His daughter, His beautiful creation, His fill-in-the-blank-christianese.-blahblahblah.
So I turned off the movies, put up my dishes, lit a candle and pulled out my journal and pen. I wrote. Part confession, part praise, part prayer, part non-sense, part truth.
I know we are created for community and that life requires people, but last night was time well spent alone. If others had been around, I doubt that I would have experienced such an intimate outpouring of my soul. We need other people in our life with out a doubt, but we also require those moments of isolation where we deal with who we really are and where we find the Lord's direction in life.


My heart kept going back to Psalm 62
1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. 2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. 3 How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down-- this leaning wall, this tottering fence? 4 They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse."Selah" 5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. 6 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 7 My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. 8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him,for God is our refuge. "Selah" 9 Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath. 10 Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them. 11 One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, 12and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.


I think I kept going back to it because after such an overwhelming and exhausting semester, I needed rest in all areas of my life. The kind of rest that brings peace of mind as well soothing sleep and restoration of the spirit. That is the kind of rest the Lord provides!Thank God! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6kSRKZ60q4

Ready or not, here I come!

Goals. That's right, I'm setting goals for myself this summer. A summer's resolution if you will.
I have a busy summer ahead of me and I don't want it to fly by without me savoring each moment. I need to focus and carefully trim away the non-sense in my life.
After such an overwhelming semester, I feel it is only appropriate to start with a fresh outlook and some focused direction to help me along the way.

Here are my goals:
1. embrace the Word like never before
2. treat my mind and body like a temple; cook more, run more, read more.
3. share life with friends
4. look for Him in all instances; praise Him in all instances.

I have so much I want to write and all right now! But I guess I have a whole summer to reveal nuggets about myself and explore mountains of truth!

So stay tuned, and keep your eyes wide open.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LbMxs3HDOs